I just haven't felt quite myself in a week or so. I wrote about it privately this morning, trying to sort out my feelings. Where did this start? Why? How do I get out of it? What's the way forward?
To me, it's not the same as depression, although if I wallow here long enough, it could turn into that. Dave's solidarity has been comforting. Sometimes all you need is for someone to say, "Me too. I've been there. I know how you're feeling, and you'll be okay."
Where did this start?
I work well on a deadline. Journalism school was perfect for me. Working at a newspaper might have suited me just fine (except during my internships, I haaaaaated driving around looking for feature pictures, particularly ones about the weather. So maybe not).
Three weeks ago, I was finalizing my biggest client project yet. I've truly enjoyed the whole process with this client, but I have a bad habit of procrastinating. I've been working on this since October, and I had all the content by the end of January. This was the end of March, so I'd had 8 weeks to finish everything. The last night should have been about fine-tuning, tweaking, double-checking. Instead, I still had QUITE a bit of work left to do, even after putting in a good 10-hour day. So I stayed up until 2am. Crushing it. Haven't done that since college. But I finished it, and the client loved it. It felt so good to hand off those three wooden boxes, branded with LISTEN across the top, and then hear from the client a few days later that they went slowly through the box with a glass of wine and reveled in their 35 years of marriage and raising kids together.
Then I flew home to NC for two weeks. I had three client meetings and projects lined up (so I thought), and two of them fell through in the weeks before I left. The one follow-through I did have was a great one, and will turn into good, meaningful work. But the loss of the other two was a big bummer. Instead of a part business, part personal trip, it turned into mostly personal, with about 8 hours of work in two weeks. It was wonderful to spend time with my family, but I felt like I lacked purpose in that time. Coming home to Seattle, that feeling has persisted in the absence of any pressing deadlines.